Divorce Advice

10 Tips for Self Care During Divorce

Copyright 2006 Sharron Phillips

What a gift you will give yourself and everyone around you if you are committed and willing to take extreme measures for self care during a divorce. A divorce is a separation from a union and even the most straightforward, uncomplicated cir***stances include unforeseen hiccups.

There are plenty of chances to observe who you are in this stressful situation. Healing comes to those who rather than blame life’s experiences, give thanks for the growth potential being offered. I know this is a stretch to accept when you are in the midst of divorce, and I’d like you to trust that it is likely to be true for you.

I made full use of the time during my second divorce to really pay attention to how I was feeling. Even in my misery I looked for glimpses of clarity, wisdom, and understanding about what part I had played in the story. It takes two to tango, so you will only benefit from learning more about yourself, seeing where you need to s**** up your foundation, and taking action so that a next relationship will be fulfilling in ways that you want. In order to face who you are, to get perspective, it is important to take very good care of yourself, especially during the divorce process.

1. Set up your own ****e. If you can afford to have a separate living arrangement during your divorce proceedings and it does not interfere with legal requirements for the outcome you are hoping for, find a separate ****e. If you are financially strapped, create a separate ****e in the dwelling you share and make it appealing. Buy yourself flowers for the room, get new artwork for the wall, colorful throw cushions, new sheets and towels.

2. Eat healthy foods. Divorce is a stress marathon - use extreme measures in your exercise and nutrition plans to remain healthy, or become healthy.

3. Get outside, walk, walk, walk or run or mosey or amble. This will go a long way to soothing the jangled nerves you are likely to experience.

4. Bitch, moan, tear out your hair, cry, wail, take a breath and then repeat as often as necessary until you get tired of hearing yourself repeat the saga of your breakup and why you are right and your soon to be ex is all wrong.

5. Start a new career or hobby. You will meet new people, engage your creativity and have a new outlet.

6. Understand that this experience will have an end and a new beginning. Prepare to forgive yourself and your new ex and be willing to move on.

7. Evaluate your friendships and make whatever adjustments you feel are necessary. Sometimes there is a need to make new friends and say goodbye to relationships that are fraught with unrepairable history.

8. Daydream about your next partner and relationship. In order to be ready for a new and improved relationship, you need to know what you want and also need to see what parts of you need healing and nurturing.

9. Get reliable, recommended legal counsel. Be prepared for the process to take longer than you thought. Save your energy. You are not likely to speed up the process.

10. Understand that this experience may be an opportunity for growth and insight. Be gentle with yourself, be prepared to make changes in your life and outlook. Get ready for the adventure of discovering yourself.

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

After Divorce: Seven Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion

Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person’s life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

Eventually, you begin to think about dating, but it is suggested that you take your time. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. If you have worked outside the home combined with being a mom and wife for the last ten, fifteen or twenty years, you may have lost yourself along the way. Certainly not on purpose, but as most women try to do it all as “super” moms, many times we put our own wants and needs on hold to keep our families and jobs running smoothly!

Take a deep breath and let’s start to rediscover our true passions and say…Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

1. Treasure Your Gifts Within
Realizing we are all born as “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many women to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list everyday. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there!

2. Give Yourself A Break
During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time, such as working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom, but let this time also include pampering yourself. Barter with a friend or neighbor to watch your children or leave work a few minutes early so you can stop to sit on a park bench long enough to get that sense of the unique and special YOU. Take this time to experience life even for only 10 minutes without feeling like a wife, mother, sister or daughter… simply you!

Yes, you do deserve to do something special for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a bath or a walk, going to the mall or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission - it’s O.K. Remember, the happier you are, the happier your family will be!

3. No regrets! No bitterness!
Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself…are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go!

A quote from Buddy Hackett, “I never hold a grudge because while I am being angry, the other person is out dancing.”

4. Enjoy the Little Things
Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life.

So how do we live in the present?

If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you.

To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull you back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!

5. What Makes Your Heart Sing?
What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?

Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and why you were put on this earth. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood; Floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own?

When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

6. What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?
Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” When going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to sit still and quiet until you understand what emotions you are feeling. Realize that your feelings and sensations are okay, then learn to listen to what your mind and body are telling you.

Here is a great tip…recognize if your feelings are low energy or high energy.

A few examples of low energy are stress, negativity, fear, resentment, or a sense of lack (lack of time or money) and high energy is joy, abundance, happy, positive, love or compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how do you make a shift to feel more of the high energy?

First, acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having. Be gentle with yourself! Your goal is to make a shift, but realize you might not be able to go from low to high instantly. Start with baby steps! Repeat step number one and become present! Be thankful for what is working in your life right now. Do something simple like pat your pet, smell a flower or, if you are in the office, take a minute to think of a previous fun time or experience you have had that could bring a smile to your face. Feel the shift you are starting to make in your energy.

Now, to amp up this high energy feeling, think of another time of joy or something you were passionate about in your life. Keep adding these thoughts to your high energy feeling and begin to feel great! Does it seem the people or situations around you have changed or is it you who has really changed? So, who has the power to feel their own joy? When you are feeling your high energy, this is the time to take your next inspired action and enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something with ease and less effort!

7. Be True To Yourself
During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels good or right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.

Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say yes, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to or have to?

How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes, yet, find yourself having doubts, try this … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to volunteer or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing might not be right for you. If you are still excited, join the committee and have fun!

Divorce is not easy or fun and you can make it through this time of your life by realizing you WILL make it! Also, honor yourself and listen to your heart! Your true purpose and passions are waiting to be rediscovered within you! When you have discovered the “gold nugget” you already are, you will start to live your life with more ease and enjoy the feeling of peace. “You are truly free!”

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

Coping With A Divorce

In this article I am going to explain about how a friend of mine managed to get through a rather messy divorce and how she came through the whole experience a much stronger person. I hope her story helps other people who have or are going through a divorce.

My friend is called Sue and she married her childhood sweetheart called John when she was only twenty-two. Sue has explained that at the time she could not have been happier and was very much in love. She hoped and imagined that they would spend the rest of their lives together. Sue had met John when she was at school and they had been dating since the age of fifteen.

After the marriage, they then talked about starting a family and before long they were parents to two boys. Sue believed that this was the icing on the cake and left work to bring up her children.

Unfortunately things were to soon go horribly wrong. John started coming home later and later from work and Sue was at a loss as to what was going on. John of course stated that he was only doing his work and that he was working overtime to give his family a better life, especially as Sue was no longer working. In reality John was having an affair with a woman he had met at work.

After a few months Sue found out about the affair and asked John as to why he had seeked the attention of this other woman. He replied that Sue had been the only woman he had slept with and that he felt that he had missed out on the experience of dating other people. Despite the fact that Sue was willing to forgive John, the relationship was soon to end as he moved in to live with his other woman.

Sue was obviously very upset and could not believe what was happening to her. Before long divorce proceedings were under way and Sue decided to put the family house on the market and returned home to live with her parents, the boys of course went with her.

This was a very depressing time for Sue. One day however she was walking through her local shopping precint and saw a group of handicapped children. Sue thought to herself that the situation she was in was only temporary and that she would eventually be happy again, but that these children would more than likely to be handicapped for life. This strangely enough helped Sue to gain the strength and to think positive about the future.

Sue is now re-married and is once again very happy, she still hates her ex-husband however. Sue has learnt a lot from her experience of getting divorced and tries to think in a much more positive way. She has realised that there are many people in the world in a far worse position than what she is in.

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

Countries which have Legalized Divorce

In countries which are predominantly Catholic, divorce is not welcomed by the culture which is greatly influenced by religion. For example in the Philippines and Malta, divorce is illegal. Because of the Catholic Church’s influence, a number of countries in Europe like France banned divorce. As a result, people in these locations may seek out other areas in order to get divorced.

Comparing and Contrasting In countries which have legalized divorce, separating from your spouse may be much simpler than in those where divorce remains illegal. In countries where divorce is illegal and annulment may be the only way of getting out of a problem marriage, matters can get much more complicated. The process of annulment may take a much longer period of time than the procedure of divorce. Divorce is the termination of a marriage contract. Annulment, on the other hand, deems the marriage null and void, as if one were never married in the first place. This makes couples think twice before considering the final step of annulment. But this can have its pros and cons.

Culture and Divorce Most of the time, a woman may even stay in an abusive relationship for a long period just because of the culture’s view on separation. This is exactly where countries which have legalized divorce have the upper hand. In these cultures, getting out of any kind of abusive relationship as soon as possible is emphasized greatly. Looking at it this way, divorce becomes a tool for saving those spouses in detrimental marriages. But divorce itself may also be abused. Marriage is a serious decision for anyone and it should not be taken lightly with the thought that one may just as easily get a divorce. Debate upon the ease in which a couple may get divorced in some cultures has also long been discussed. The “Las Vegas” ease of tying the knot and just as easily cutting it off has been highly criticized by conservative cultures. Getting married for a couple of hours just for the feel of it and then getting divorced soon after in just the same hurry is a clear example of how divorce can be abused.

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

Divorce - Are You Feeling Cheated?

Are you feeling relieved after divorce or cheated? After many divorces people feel happy while in many rather more cases they feel cheated. Why? Divorce it self is a very painful process and the times that lead to divorce are more painful. The question is why get the sense of feeling cheated after getting divorce? Let us talk about this.

Relationship demands giving - People give a lot to their marriage; most of them do it except few. Right from the development of relationship, a lot of time, emotional energy and physical resources are given to make it work. During marriage the investment goes higher. Most of the partners want the marriage to work. There are exceptions that unbelievably want to destroy because of psychological problems. When cracks develop in the marriage, lot more effort is made to save the marriage and when the marriage breaks after putting in so much effort, one feels cheated.

Is this true for all? This is not true for all. There are few individuals who don't give anything in marriage. They ask for it. The demand and contribute nothing. That is the game of selfishness played by them. So these people will never feel cheated. They will only feel bad that they lost an easy victim.

What should you do? The only way out is to forget the losses. Try to erase the past as much as possible. This will be difficult, but break the pain bit by bit. Work on it and it will go away one day. Try to forge another relationship and forget what went wrong. Cut your losses as soon as possible.

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

Estate Planning and Insurance Concerns When You Divorce

If you are getting a divorce from your spouse, you have a lot of planning to do. You will need to name your own beneficiaries, organize your divided assets, and set up your individual estate.

It is important that you meet with a qualified attorney to discuss the specifics of planning your estate to ensure that your wishes are carried out as you desire. You need to be well versed in the most strategic methods of dividing your joint estate so that you do not end up paying all of the taxes while he or she enjoys the benefits of your assets.

I have outlined some important information for you to be aware of when planning your estate after your divorce. Please keep in mind that divorces lend themselves to new structures for individuals. You will want to meet with a qualified attorney to discuss how to best protect your new estate.

Assigning Your Beneficiary
During your marriage, chances are your spouse was the sole or major beneficiary of your estate. After your divorce, it is important that you designate a new beneficiary on all of your do***ents and for all of your accounts.

The federal law called ERISA pre-empts state laws that automatically remove an ex-spouse as the beneficiary of retirement plans. Therefore, it’s important that you remove the ex-spouse as the beneficiary unless you wish for him or her to remain as your designated beneficiary.

Please note: Once you re-name your beneficiary, it is possible that your ex-spouse will still retain the rights to part of your retirement benefits that you accrued during the time of your marriage. I recommend consulting with a qualified estate planning attorney to determine just how much of your benefits and estate will be designated to your ex-spouse after your divorce.

Dividing Your Assets
During the course of your divorce, you and your ex-spouse determine how your joint estate will be divided. Take a minute to review a few assets that you will need to divide: 1) appreciated assets, such as mutual funds, and stocks; 2) real estate, including investments, repairs, insurances and mortgages; 3) personal property, such as jewelry, artwork and clothes; 4) retirement plans, such as qualified plans and IRA’s; and 5) your home, which can be divided in different ways to meet both parties’ financial needs.

Establishing a Trust
Many people will create a Trust to ensure that a designated Trustee will have control over funds after death. There are three Trusts that you can explore when planning your estate:

1. The Revocable Living Trust helps you avoid probate by allowing your Trustee to distribute your assets according to the instructions that you have outlined.
2. The Children’s Trust allows you to designate funds that your child will use later in his life to pay for his education, home, etc.
3. The Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust, otherwise known as “ILIT”, allows you to distribute the death benefit estate tax-free when and how you want, even long after you’re gone.

Divorce is never easy. It’s typically a very long and arduous process as both parties work to get their portions of the shared assets. If you’re going through a divorce it is important to speak with a qualified attorney who can walk you through all of the tax and asset considerations that you need to be aware of to ensure that you receive the best possible settlement.

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

Divorce Help: Vital Steps to Recovering From a Divorce

The very first thing you must realize is that you will not die because of divorce. It has happened to millions of people before you and it will happen to millions of people after you.

Although divorce cause severe emotional pain, you must believe that you will get over it. Of course, it takes time, but you will eventually recover and find love again. It is very important that you understand this.

It is crucial to understand that the marriage is over. It is vital that you immediately let go of the other person and begin setting your own life in order.

You must not think about pain or dwell upon what was yesterday. The more you think about the past the worse it will hurt, and the longer it will take for you to recover.

You must think about yourself. You cannot allow yourself to just sit and waste away. You need to take hold of yourself and go on living.

In order to counter bad feelings, you must keep yourself busy - clean your house, wash your car, write out a budget, study or go to work. Keep yourself moving and working on the kinds of things that make you happy.

It is extremely important that you express the feelings of anger you are carrying or they will eat you alive. The best way to deal with anger is to know exactly what you are angry about and then choose the most suitable way to express your anger to the person that has made you angry.

Another important thing in recovering from a divorce is to eliminate the feelings of guilt from your mind as quickly as they come into sight. Simply tell yourself that your marriage did not work out. You must forget about your ex as quickly as you possibly can!

Of course all of this is much easier said than done, but these things you must do, and you must do them right away.

To recover from the trauma of divorce, you must allow enough time for the healing process to be completed and be positive that tomorrow will be a happier day for you.

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

The Price of a Divorce

It seems cruel that amid all the emotional struggles a divorce brings with it, money has to be such a tremendous burden and source of added anxiety. Divorces have many costs, some more tangible than others. This is an article about the tangible toll that a failed marriage has and tips on what to expect and how to cope.

From the reallocation of property and debt to child support to taxes to retirement planning, there are a slew of financial issues that are intertwined with most divorces. Chances are you and your spouse share a lot of assets, from furniture to stocks to pets! You might even have a sentimental attachment to some of them. Unless the two of you agree on how to divide all the property up, you might have to brush off on your bartering skills. Some parting couples even opt to sell all the property at once and divide the profits.

While that comfortable sofa and antique dresser might be in demand, the debt you two shared certainly won't be. A joint credit report deserves a good look as you and your lawyer(s) determine what's fair. As you distribute the debt, try to cap off whatever debt you currently have. Divorce is expensive and you want to deflate the financial burden as much as you can today. Again, more bartering may be in order here. Take on more debt in exchange for more assets, or vice versa. If you have an open mind and cooperate, you'll likely come to a fair divorce settlement. It's not unusual for a divorcing couple to split the debt right down the middle.

Surprisingly, you're going to have some new tax issues to think about too. If you have dependents, which person will get that tax exemption from now on? Many other tax exemptions and deductibles that you probably took for granted as a married couple will need to be reevaluated after a divorce.

Not to mention, child support and alimony! These issues are highly variable and personable but they are going to be big ones if you and your former spouse have children together.

Men sometimes have great financial difficulties affording child support, but statistics show it's newly single mothers that have the most money problems. This is especially evident when a woman must suddenly afford childcare or is swept into a new work environment; kids typically must adjust to a lower standard of living, just like their parents, after a divorce.

An entire family structure gets disrupted during a divorce and that has not only an effect on the personal relationships, but on the overall economic situation of all involved. And these financial issues are deep and complex and have enduring effects.

The best advice for you, the soon-to-be-divorced, is to remind yourself the financial turmoil is only temporary and it can be dealt with the most adequately if you can keep your cool and think practically. While it's tempting, dividing up property and debt is probably not a time for vengeance or proving a point. The divorce will go quicker and more amicably if you try to stay as calm and rational as possible!

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

Divorce Fuelling Debt Crisis

The high divorce rate of recent in Britain is a major factor leading to ever increasing levels of debt, a new report claimed recently.

Debt Free Direct has claimed that the break down of marriages is a significant factor behind people's financial problems, which suggests that many are forced to take out a debt consolidation loan following the completion of a divorce procedure.

The debt advisory agency has reported that those who are divorced are a third more likely to be declared bankrupt. Of those divorcees, women are running the highest risk.

Females are 14 per cent more likely to face financial ruin and are 26 per cent less likely to qualify for an individual voluntary arrangement, which can prevent bankruptcy.

Heavy debts that are incurred by an ex partner are a major cause of financial problems, even after a divorce, with Debt Free Direct finding that an ex's excessive debts are an underlying factor in almost three in ten bankruptcies in the UK.

Typically, people in a relationship will take on debts in joint names with their partner, never believing that the relationship will end. But when it does the effect of divorce or separation can seriously heighten the impact of the debt problem, spokesman Derek Oakley explained.

Mr Oakley advised married or divorcing couples to take steps to protect themselves from the poor finances of their partner.

For example, he said, even after divorce, many couples still hold credit cards and / or store cards in joint names.

After separation it is important to advise the credit card company to terminate the joint card. If you do not do this, you could well be pursued for payments on debts that your ex partner has run up.

The report contradicts previous assumptions that debt levels are exacerbated by a growing consumerist culture and relaxed attitude towards credit.

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

Divorce Advice, Where Can You Turn?

Divorce is such a nasty thing and people should hate the destruction and harm that it does to everyone involved. The problem is that even people that hate it become victims of it inevitably. So there needs to be a source of divorce advice for those that are not using it selfishly as a way to "legitimately" escape a relationship for purely selfish reasons. Reasons like desiring more sexual conquest, or escape from something hard like a terminal illness in a spouse, or bad financial luck in a spouse, or simply lack of loyalty, and unwillingness to put in the effort that the normal hard work that a relationship takes.

People should not be rewarded for pettiness, selfishness, greed, shallow hearts, laziness, lust, deceit, and on and on. Therefore there needs to be divorce advice for both holding these people accountable and for protecting the people that are victimized by the cruelty of some. At this time advice that does these things is sadly very rare, and this is part of the reason why divorce is so rampant in today's society.

When you think of victims most of the time your mind pictures a poor helpless middle-aged mother who has been abandoned by an evil "player" husband for a younger and less "used" woman. This victim chose out of love and loyalty to forgo the chance to better herself with an education and career to love and raise their children and bears the scars of this sacrifice literally and figuratively. While these scars of sacrifice should make her more sexy to a man who can see and understand what a gift to him they are, they do just the opposite, and he takes off. This is common and these women need good sound divorce advice for protection and to preserve their future.

Presently however this is becoming less and less typical now the opposite is true. The man who is loyal and working hard to raise his kids and provide for his family is the unattractive and boring one who gets dropped like a bad habit for a more exciting and dangerous man. These men, because this is a relatively new phenomena made possible in large part by the women's liberation movement (which had its good points, don't get me wrong), are in desperate need of good divorce advice because they find it harder to convince judges of their plight.

The good news is that good divorce is there to find for whatever case you may find yourself in. It is becoming more common too as the demand gets greater sadly. So there is hope you just need to do your homework and you will recover from this terrible time.

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12:00 - 2009-Mar-25

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Divorce is such a nasty thing and people should hate the destruction and harm that it does to everyone involved.

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Recent Entries
- 10 Tips for Self Care During Divorce
- After Divorce: Seven Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion
- Coping With A Divorce
- Countries which have Legalized Divorce
- Divorce - Are You Feeling Cheated?

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